I have a myspace account. It's connected with my online job, and mostly for public consumption. This journal, not so much for the public, only a few people who know me know about this journal. My life lately has been pretty open and optimistic, so I haven't been writing as much in here. Plus.. that whole talking to R almost every day thing.. so much of what I would write in here, I tell her instead.
But it's awfully early in the morning where she is, so she's not online.
Back to the myspace thing.. I don't update often. Just when Kim reminds me I haven't in a while mostly. But old friends do track me down on it. Like.. really old friends. Back in high school friends, and I just turned 37. And they always ask "What have you been up to?" Usually, I figure they really don't care, they want me to ask in return so they can tell me all about thier lives, so I give them a brief answer, and ask in return. But today I got an email from someone who very specifically wants to know what I've been up to for the last 20 years. He'd like it if I called him, and told him all about it.
How do you even start to sum up 20 years of experience?
I've loved, I've hated, I've been homeless, I've been married and divorced, I've had children, I've fallen in love twice, and in something very like it if you twisted it, folded it and made origami of the emotion a few times. I've danced naked for money, I've found new talents, made new friends.I've isolated, I've had a nervous breakdown, I've lost people who meant the world to me, and found new people who are worlds in themselves, if not even more then that. I had a hysterectomy, and surgery on my face. I've started weight lifting, and I've read thousands of books and listened to thousands of songs. I've lived lifetimes in the last 20 years, and I don't feel I've changed at all, just that I'm discovering and rediscovering things about myself. I've taken acid and danced barefoot in the rain with people I thought would be friends forever, but then again, I thought that in high school too. Now I'm understanding what a lifetime is, and I do have friends I think will last that long. I can't sum it up, because so many choices I've made need context, and to have that context, you had to be there.
In short, I've lived. And yes, I'm still, in major part, the same person I was 20 years ago. But I'm more now as well. The things I've learned, the people I've loved and fought with. The things I've gone through and chosen have refined my ideals, and given me conviction and doubts.
We lack the shared experiences now to really have much in common. If he could sum up 20 years of history in a phone call.. because I couldn't. I couldn't even sum up 1993 in one call. Much less all the other years. Last time we talked was right before I dropped out of society, before that first big break that I needed to decide for myself what was worth taking seriously.
I guess I'll figure out something to say when I write him back, but I'm not calling. I don't like talking on the phone much, so when I do, it's with the people I care about most.
Must be summer. The neighbors are outside drunk and hollaring and cats keep sleeping on my roof.
Current Music: Persephone- Vixy and Tony